So Many Things

I should post more maybe people would start reading this thing. Anyway I am so like depressed right now and it kind of came from no where. I've battle with depression for the past 6 years and I thought I was ok, but I'm not. The problem is it's so many things that I can't wrap my head around trying to heal myself. I was doing so good for the past year and a half but things have changed radically and I'm having a hard time coping. My friends are so self-involved that I have found myself ignoring them completely just so I don't have to deal with there bull; more on that later. School is ok, better than ok, but living at home and having to balance my responsibilities is wearing me down. I've seriously been trying to make new friends and for whatever reason it's not working for me. I've also been trying to date just so I can feel young and sexy : D but I have not had any luck. That has been bringing me down as well. I go through my phases of deleting all my accounts and just not even attempt to date; I get a little like, "Oh, I'm missing out" so I create the accounts again and just hate the guys online. Seriously it's like "only interested in white, it's a preference, I'm not racist" and that is coming from black guys, asian guys and latin guys! I guess all I can do is laugh or cry whichever comes first but I've gotten used to the racism from white guys but to see this coming from other ethnicities is so heartbreaking. It's like I can't find comfort anywhere! The sad part is, if this post wasn't sad enough is that I am so horny! I would love to be able to just f*ck someone and I actually have no prolem finding guys for that, but because I've waited so long I just can't bring myself to do it.I can't wait to do a happy post I know it's coming. Tell me about it!

Summer is almost over : (

So it has been forever and a day since my last post. What have I been up to you ask? Well, working my butt off and enjoying my summer as much as I can. The last few weeks have been interesting. Crystal, my dear friend who moved to NYC for school stayed with me for a couple of weeks for the summer. While she was here we went out a lot and I was introduced to this really hot guy who I will call Smith. He is half black and about my size, more muscular though and is completely out! The first night I met him he was just too freaking much. He definitely fit the stereo typical gay guy but, once we all cooled down at my friend's place he kind of chilled out and was way more interesting to talk to. That night ended with me on his chest and us holding hands while we stroked one another's chest. : D The next night we went out again and he was preocuppied with his ex-boyfriend, which I didn't know he was his ex at the time, because said ex was drunk off his ass, seemed kind of coked out to me, and apparently leaving with some drag queen from Ru Paul's drag show. Whateva! Anyway I went of my way and followed Smith as he drove the ex home so we could hang out that night. It was worth it because we had great convo and yeah! I invited him out again that week but he had to work, he's a go-go dancer! He invited me to stop by and I did and damn that boy can move. Anyway, he kisses me on the cheek, hugs me as I take him home and takes my shirt. He said so I have a reason to see him again, which I didn't need. So we are supposed to go out sunday doesn't work out, Crystal and I have a falling out. The next day he drives with me to drop Crystal off her at her mom' place. On the way back he was more interested in Beyonce than me, but that was cool. He said that we should hang out the next day and I said ok. I take him to pick up his check, cash it and then drive all around looking for the type of beer he likes. We head to the beach and meet his friends. His friends are cool, kind of like him in the stereo typical way. It was a bit much for me and I kind of shut down. We go out to a bar and for whatever reason I'm not feeling it. I think I expected just us to hang out and not to have to deal with all these people. Did I mention his ex worked at the bar, yeah! We ended the night with him saying he thought I didn't have a good time, which I did and I didn't. I enjoyed being out with him but hated that it wasn't just us. I was being so stubborn and when he asked if I was going to come out again, I said probaly not. I AM SO STUPID!!! He said when am I going to see you again and I just shrugged. He's a smart guy, he knows he could see me whenever he wanted to. Anyway I sent him text eventhough his phone died but he never got back to be so I waited almost a week called him and he said he was as at a party so text him. I did and he never got back to me! He mentioned he doesn't chase guys and I can understand that but I don't like to chase either. I feel desperate! I like but damn! Is this how you get a guy? Do you really have to be so persistent if they really like you or is he just not that into me? Please tell me. All my girls say he should come after you but they're girls! They're used to guys coming after them. I'm going to try again but I don't know when. He actually still has my shirt and I want it back! I love my 12 dollar H&M shirt, he can't have it or he can but he is going to pay for it. Tell me about it!

P90 X

I broke down and bought P90 X and I so excited to get started. I'm not starting unitl Monday because you have to drill the pull-up bar into the wall, good to know that before hand, and I don't have one. A drill that is, so my Uncle is bringing me one on sunday. I'll definitely keep you guys update on my progess. I'm 5'9 155 pounds with a pretty athletic build. I'm looking to tone up and build some muscle, so I think P90 X is the answer. Has anyone tried it? Love to hear some success stories. Tell me about it!

Happy F**kin New Year!!!

Well we’re about 2 months in to the new year but I haven’t written a new post this year so Happy F**kin New Year!!! Well Rufio and I got back together only to call it quits a week later. He should be in New York and I’m so glad to have him 3,000 miles away from me. That wasn’t love it was lust and it fizzled as lust does. Well, my beautiful baby, my car, was having some issues so I had to sell her. It was sad but I have a new baby now! I got my first new car and I couldn’t be more happy! It gets great gas mileage and it is super sporty! The payment is a bitch but I can handle it. I’m back in school and I joined this volunteer group on campus, U-Group. It hasn’t been going well. I am trying to step out of my box and be more social, more outgoing, and just a better me all around. But the other people in the group are so unwelcoming to me. Everyone gets along fine with one another but when it comes to me. They’re all so fake, rude and just awkward. I feel like I have nothing in common with many them. Crystal said maybe it’s that I am Black Gay Man and I was like ok! Well I can’t change any of that so f**k them all. There are a couple of people who are really cool and I wish everyone else was like them. I’m going to try to stick with it, it lasts until the end of summer, but if today doesn’t go well I’m going to have to quit. My mental well being is the most important thing to me and I just don’t leave are meetings feeling like a better person.

School is going great and I am learning to be more disciplined. I need to learn how to leave my house to study. I find it to be so hard seeing as I love to be in my own space, I don’t like crowds and sometimes I have to pee and I’m so paranoid someone will steal my stuff. So I pack everything up, take a leak, come back and unpack everything. It’s so exhausting! I’m going to try it this weekend. I was as horny as a teenage boy on prom night this past weekend and I wanted to get f**ked so badly. Wow I’m using f**k a lot in this post, f**k! Well anyway I trolled the likes of craiglist, gay.com and a few other sites. With the mindset that if a hot enough guy comes along. I will compromise my values, beliefs and all of my morals to have a night of hot sweaty mind blowing sex!!! I didn’t have sex. Sad I know. BUT! I’m glad I didn’t and I did meet a cute guy. We chatted for awhile and that kind of went no where but he did say he wants to hang out soon. After deciding not to date until “The One” comes along, I realized I won’t know “The One” until I date some more “Wrong Ones” so that’s what I’m gonna do. So I’ll keep you updated. Tell me about it!!!